The following is a poem I wrote back in 2004 when the Ca Supreme Court shut down San Francisco’s Same Sex Marriage offerings and annulled the marriages that happened during the Spring of Love. Reading it reminded me of how joyous and painful that experience was, a mingling of joy and pain that we experienced again in California in 2008. Whether or not each of us believes that the fight for Same Sex Marriage is one that we as individuals would have chosen or we as a community should have chosen, I think it is important to acknowledge the wounding that this battle has caused to our community. Because I want that wounding (not to mention the billion dollar political industry that has grown around Same Sex Marriage initiatives and drained our community dry of resources) to end, I send all of my best wishes and support to those arguing in the current federal court case about the constitutionality of Prop 8.

“I’m sorry”, I cried as I plunged off the side

To ascend the precipice of hell,

“But I know who I am and I know what I want

And you won’t turn me into my shell.”

Pain drives toward excess

And shutters still hide

Though I learned how to act an emotion

Anger and bitterness,

Triumph and Pride

Deeper, wider than the ocean.

It Wasn’t Enough.

I searched through the bars, I played in the clubs,

Drank myself dry, tried all the drugs

But never could I find the peace

That comes with a care that will not be denied,

The love that refuses release.

And then you came–

And when I shrieked my pain into your darkness,

You would not let go.

And when you tried to spare me life’s hardness

I did not except your no.

A moment of hope, a faint ray of light

Quickly covered, plunging again into night.

What my parents obtained

The courts have retained

And the president preaches must always remain–

Recognized love we can’t own.

A mere slip of paper, professional, sleek,

Stating not business but family I seek

Denied–

Else nations will crumble, society fail

Communities crumble, civil life pale

For reasons myriad and unknown.

Four thousand coupkes laid across their altars

Knives to the chest, all movement falters.

Eight thousand hearts fed, still beating, to wolves.

That should teach those who seek similar moves.

And our friends?  Where are they?

Except for a scant few

Who dare to espouse the unpopular view.

“That’s not important,” they say,

“Just a distraction from the big moves at play.”

Bull shit.

Since when is my status as a second class citizen

Any less important than that of any other?

Cause and effect are still kith and kin–

Brother is taught to kill brother.

The shutters once again rise

To buffer against anger’s tide

And I shriek agai into your darkness

As I flip through the new Modern Bride…

Yesterday I mentioned the big push of astro-energy that jumped us into the New Year.  Today I want to touch upon the other bit of astro-energy that is with us as we embark upon turning our resolutions into realities and that is the current retrogrades of Mercury and Mars.

To preface the article, I am not an astrologer (if you are looking for someone who really knows what they’re talking about when it comes to the stars, visit http://astrobarry.com/), but I do recognize that the movement of the stars and planets affect our lives.  Mars and Mercury are two of the three closest planets to Earth, so when from our perspective they are both moving backwards that seems to me to be a pretty clear message that we too should be looking backwards to find some clues about where we need to go from here.

I’ve also noticed that a lot of my friends and family are having a rough start to this year–missed connections, crazy weather, hard drive crashes, lost jobs, exploding energy plants, even just a general feeling of malaise seems to be stopping us all in our tracks.  How do we deal with these setbacks?  How do we reconcile them with a belief in a purposeful Universe that rewards positive energies?

I’ve written before about the Law of Attraction and how I think many of the people who teach it in our communities today do a disservice to their students by treating the Law of Attraction as if it is the Midas touch that turns everything to gold.  Personally I believe that the Law of Attraction is more about learning to find the positive aspects of everything that happens in your life, learning to accept life as it comes, and learning to live from a place of “No Regrets.”  That can be really difficult in the present when we are going through a tough time.  The present seems almost designed to make us question our choices and learn to regret them.  But before we drown ourselves in the ecstasy of “should have, would have, could have” let’s follow the lead of  the planets and really look back at our pasts to figure out when and we felt the way we want to feel and why.

One of my biggest goals in life is to live purposefully and make positive change in our world at large.  When I look back over my life to see when I felt most effective and guided by purpose, the first period I look to is when I was in college. I had grown up in a severely religious right home, and when my parents learned I was gay they disowned me personally and financially.  That experience was one of the most painful and traumatic events in my life, but not only did I still finish college in four years, I wrote articles that are still being published and republished to help LBGTQ youth and their families.  I found myself speaking and performing at national conferences and events.  I was interviewed and profiled in national publications.  When I look back at that time I am in awe.  How did I manage to raise and channel that much energy into positive change?

There are other periods of my life when I felt both effective and affective and all of them have been marked equally by pain and success.  My first (and to date only) tattoo marks a period of my life five years ago when I both lost my former husband and had breakthrough productions as both a performer and a director that have defined the course of my artistic career to date.  Even this past year, which was marked by amazing successes and development for the Circle of Dionysos, was personally and financially excruciating for my partner and I as we dealt with unemployment, eviction, and major health scares.  Frequently I had friends marveling at the creative life I was leading last year, and my response was that it’s easy to lead a creative life when there is no other choice but do nothing.

As I look forward to 2010 I do hope and pray that the current struggles ease and we all begin to make the sorts of breakthroughs that will assure our security in the long run.  But I also offer thanks for our hard times for they keep us truly alert and invested in both life and our communities.  The Latin root from which we derive the word passion is also the word for suffering, and it is from our passion that we truly derive fulfillment.

Agave in the throws of Madness

We are dedicating this production to all Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer people who have been shunned, harassed, and sometimes killed. At times, our family members have denied our existence and our friends have cast us aside. We have sometimes been told not to be who we are. We have sometimes been denied employment, housing and medical care.

I play Agave in our production of The Bacchae. Agave is the daughter of the former King, Cadmus and the mother of Pentheus, the current King. Pentheus and Agave have denied the divinity of Dionysos. They have failed to properly honor Semele, the mother of Dionysos and sister of Agave, who died. Dionysos drives Agave mad. In her madness Agave kills her son because she thinks he is a lion. My character goes from lunacy to grief.

I am dedicating my performance to the LGBTQ Community. I dedicate it to you whose parents have not accepted you. I dedicate it to you who have lost friends because of your sexual orientation or gender identity. I dedicate it to you who have been killed and were anonymous because you lost your entire support system. I dedicate it to LGBTQ people who have given their lives to serve the community. I dedicate my performance to LGBTQ parents who have been denied access to their kids and to LGBTQ people who are not allowed to adopt because of who they are. This is for you.

I offer my body as a receptacle for those LGBTQ spirits who have been harmed or damaged. Please help me inspire and portray the truth. Please help us as we try to change hearts and minds and bring our world justice and equality.

Amethyst Moonwater

Home

I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, March 17, 1951 and named Patrick Kevin Feely. While I was born with the biological sex of a male, I knew at the age of 4 that I felt more like a girl. I grew up hiding this and trying to show how tough I was. I played sports and stood up to bullies. As an adult, I was open to my lovers that I was bisexual, but I still kept my gender identity hidden. After all, I didn’t know or hadn’t heard of anyone else like me. My gender issues would come up every now and then. I said to myself that I needed to focus on progressive issues and not be so ‘selfish’ by allowing myself to do something about my gender fluidity. I realized in my 40’s that I couldn’t hold the gender tide back any longer. I began to transition in 1995. When I transitioned as a Transgender Woman, I started to feel at home. I was finally able to overcome financial obstacles, and I received my gender confirmation surgery at the age of 56 in 2007.

I was raised as a Roman Catholic. It didn’t take. I was always conscious of spirit. I have been an activist since I was 13. Spirit was why I was motivated to work for social justice and do political work. When I went to my first witchcraft ritual in my 30’s in Portland, Oregon, I felt at home. When I was transitioning, I would often dream that my form was encased in amethyst. I believe that the Goddess was providing me protection as I was moving forward. I am Pisces and have always been highly influenced by the moon and water. So when it came to choosing a magical name, I came up with Amethyst Moonwater.

It is a privilege to be a part of the Circle of Dionysos to do ritual theatre. I have tried to live a path that is genuine and authentic. I am a Transgender Woman, Bisexual, Witch, Pagan Priestess and many other things. I have offered a workshop, entitled Gender Identity and Pagan Communities: What Wigs You Out the Most? I support the right of everyone to pursue a unique and true path. Those of us in the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ) Communities have much to offer. We offer delight, wit, compassion, and intelligence. Many of us have faced the loss of family and overcome obstacles. For instance, I have lost connection with my daughter who wishes no contact with me. Many of us in the LGBTQ Communities have courage, strength and resilience. We are as essential to the greater community as anyone. No one can afford to take us for granted. This is what we are trying to portray in the Circle of Dionysos. We are sharing our vision and our mission. It is an honor for me to be a part of such a noble quest.

- Amethyst Moonwater

For Immediate Release                                                       November 3, 2009

Media Contact: Patricia Kevena Fili, 510-872-0568, pkf@circleofdionysos.org

The Circle of Dionysos proudly presents ritual theatre performances of The Bacchae: A Ritual of Coming Out on November 13 & 14, 2009, 8:00 p.m. at Mama Calizo’s Voice Factory at 1519 Mission Street in San Francisco. $20 donation is requested. No one turned away due to a lack of funds.

Euripides’ ‘The Bacchae’ is one of the best known Greek Tragedies. It is the story of a confrontation between Dionysos, The God of Ecstasy and the repressive and patriarchal ruling family of Thebes. We cannot help but notice that it holds important parallels to the trials members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community face today when coming out. It should be a celebratory experience. For far too many LGBT people who were raised in families and societies that told us this transformation is wrong, the process was equal parts pain and pleasure. We also cannot talk about coming out as a metaphorical death without acknowledging that too many in our community have been literally killed for trying to be who they are.

“I’m really excited by the way our production of The Bacchae manages to encapsulate both the tremendous rewards and the tremendous pain that our community has experienced coming out in a larger society that does not honor difference,” says Derik K. Cowan, Director of The Bacchae, “I hope that productions like this will help us ‘taste the sweet gift of the Gods that is freedom from those who have hurt us.’” As this rite reaches its climax, we will also honor those whose lives and deaths have affected our LGBT community.

The Circle of Dionysos is dedicated to the exploration and celebration of spiritual traditions that honor gender fluidity and sexual variance. We believe that universal diversity is purposeful, and that members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Community possess wisdom that is of vital importance to the community at large. Through public ritual performances, small study groups, and personal spiritual guidance, we seek to help both individuals and our community in discovering, developing, and expressing that wisdom.

###

Sunday brought the cast together for a marathon rehearsal day. (Thank you cast!)

We’re really getting this story told. It was powerful and moving.

At one point I was so moved that I couldn’t stop crying.

The God of Wine, Ecstasy and Theater. Comedy. Mad Women. Ritual. Murder.

How much more can you ask for in a show?!

You know you want to go! Two nights only!

The Bacchae: A Ritual of Coming Out
November 13th & 14th, 8:00PM

At:

Mama Calizo’s Voice Factory
1519 Mission St.
San Francisco, CA 94103

Tickets available now at:

The Scarlet Sage Herb Co.
1173 Valencia St
San Francisco, CA 94110
(415) 821-0997

AND

The Sacred Well
536 Grand Avenue
Oakland , CA 94610
510.444.WELL(9355)

Is coming out the first time you recognize your self in the word gay, lesbian, bi, trans, homo? Is coming out the first time that you act on your self identification? Is coming out the first time that you tell someone of your new identity?

I view coming out as a call. Calling or vocation is most often talked about in religious literature and usually in the context of someone moving into some kind of ministry. “I was called by God to become a priest.” “I felt a call on my life.” Coming out is a much similar process. There is this little voice inside that keeps pointing at things in the world and saying “you’re like that.” Now what we do with that call is up to us. I believe that a call to become more fully gay, lesbian, bi, trans, queer is a spiritual call. As are all calls to further authenticity. As are all calls that help us peal back another onion skin layer of the being we call ourselves.

I believe that at the center of our being sits our connection to God, the Divine, the Universe, Mystery or whatever name you use to signify that which is beyond. At the center of our being is the connection and any self exploration and revealing of deeper truths about ourselves moves us closer to that sacred essence within. As we mover further in it also allows our truest essence to move out.

Coming out is a sacred event. Coming out moves the gay, lesbian, bi, trans, queer person one step closer to living as they truly are. Coming out brings freedom.

Joseph Campbell writes about the Hero’s Journey in A Hero with a Thousand Faces,

The adventure is always and everywhere a passage beyond the veil of the known into the unknown; the powers that watch at the boundary are dangerous; to deal with them is risky; yet for anyone with competence and courage the danger fades.

This is what many of us face when we’re coming out. We don’t know what kind of reaction we’re going to get from our loved ones. We don’t know what kind of reaction we’re going to receive from the world at large. We may know that our immediate families of blood, or choice, will be super supportive, but we don’t know if our neighbor in 2B has some hidden axe to grind with queers. We don’t know who or what is waiting around the corner to take their fear out upon us.

Coming out is an act of courage. It is a move toward the truth. It is a move that strips away shackles and releases our ability to slay the dragon, or rather tame the dragon and use it’s power for our own.

For truly we are the ones in charge of our identity. As much as others will try to put us into boxes, literally and figuratively, we are the ones in charge of how we feel about ourselves. If we find the courage within ourselves to at first accept, then to tolerate, and finally embrace the things that make us queer, then we have taken our power back. No longer will anyone’s taunts have sway over how we feel about ourselves. And once we have taken our power back, we can use that power to build the kind of society where we are valued. Because with our own power back, we can finally show to our society at large, just why it is that we are so very rare and special, and how by embracing us the world at large becomes a better place for all.

Coming out is about peace.

Spirituality is generally defined as the quest to find “what is true,”  but we as human beings are tiny creatures on a tiny planet that circles a tiny sun at the edge of a tiny galaxy.  If there truly is such a thing as “universal truth,” we are far too small and limited as creatures to grasp more than the slightest edges of that truth.  What we can grasp and explore and develop are our own personal truths, and the first step of owning our personal truths is the declaration of our personal truths.  Undeclared identities–be they sexual, gender-based, spiritual, or any other–are unclaimed identities carrying potential power that we are not utilizing, and as nature abhors a vacuum unutilized energy will be taken and used by somebody.  It’s an unfortunate fact of life that the people who seek out unused power are frequently people who view unused power as a sign of weakness in their fellows, people who would use that unspoken identity against you.

I worked in a middle school for a couple of years, and this was something I saw frequently–when kids who were teasing a fellow student about being gay were asked if being gay was inherently a bad thing, they would generally say no.  The teasing was based on their perception that the possible “gayness” of their victim was something that person saw as a weakness in their character.  I’ve heard many stories that support this assertion from high school students who have come out–that while they were picked on before coming out, a lot of that went away after they came out, claiming their identity and power.  In fact, they often found a swelling of support for them within their social circles and acquaitances.

I’m not trying to say that coming out solves all problems.  My personal coming out story includes as much pain and loss as it does empowerment.  While I find that in many cases the above is true, there are unfortunately many other cases in which homophobia, transphobia, and xenophobia have led to disenfranchisement, harm, or even death of even individuals that have claime d their identities and power.  But each person who comes out is engaging in harm reduction on both a personal and communal level, each person who comes out accesses the power of the identity they have spoken and claimed, each person who comes out moves themselves closer to their own personal truth, and in so doing grows as a spiritual being.

Luna, Molly, Humming Bird, Manea, Andra Jean and DK all had a fabu time and distributed half of our flyers. We were on our game! We also got to meet up with some of our amazing peeps. Damn why didn’t I get a picture of us with Sister Mary Timothy or Lady Redbush or whoever she was. We also caught up with Mr. Ernesto and fellow Mama Calizo alums The New Eccentrics and Filthy Sex Toy.

The highlight was catching up with Sister Sara Femme. She and Molly had a tearful reunion. It was like watching live action Beaches.

Some Maenads, a Sister, her lover, and a Priest go into a bar.

The boys were pretty the girls were pretty everyone in between was pretty. Pretty Pretty Pretty. Just like mama likes it.

So it wouldn’t be fair right if y’all never got to see all the Maenads. I actually got to be in a picture too. I try not to get obsessed with image, but come on. I’m pretty!

Run Run Run without thinking drawn by the scent of blood

Where will we show up next? Maenad Vampires perhaps? Andra Jean le Hunger? The Hunger