The Beginning

This is a writing that I have wanted to take on for awhile now. At first I was very concerned with the structure and format. I imagined a video blog devoted to a particular goddess. I would garb myself in drag reminiscent of that goddess and deliver the wisdom that I had gleaned from working with that particular goddess.

I believe that I would like to include all of those aspects in future posts, however I believe that the emphasis of this work is to be more true to the title of the blog: Wrestling With the Wig. I want to capture my struggle as a male identified priestess of goddesses. What does this mean? Who am I? Are there other’s like me?

So starting right there what does that mean? I was born biologically as what our culture identifies as male, and I identify as a man. I use the word priestess because I feel that it more accurately reflects the way that I work with goddesses. The models that I see for priests of goddesses have more of a consort kind of feel. The male priest dutifully worships goddesses as lover and/or as mother. My connection to goddesses feels more akin to being a receptacle for goddesses. This is why I feel more called to consider myself a priestess than a priest. Of course I am stripping away the bio gendered association of those words in my claiming.

So how did I get to this place, and where am I going?

I honestly believe that my journey started pre-birth. I don’t know if there is such a thing as reincarnation, but I have had a strong vision of what feels like a past life. I also have a strong sense of other past lives. In most of these past lives I have been biologically female. Even during my mother’s pregnancy she believed that I would be born a girl. This was in the days before figuring out the gender of a child pre-birth. She felt so sure that I would be born a girl that she only chose a “girl’s” name for me. The name she chose was her maiden name, Starr. Starr became my first drag name and my first magical working name.

I grew up queer in many ways. I knew at an early age that I preferred boys to girls in terms of attraction, and that I preferred girls to boys in terms of familiarity. I had virtually no interest in the things of men. When my parents would leave the house I would wrap my grandmother’s afghan around me, use a t-shirt to mimic long hair, slip into my mother’s high heels and parade around the house. Our hallway provided an excellent runway. The thing that is important to note here is that I never felt like I was supposed to be a girl. In fact my longest running fantasy about gender was that I wanted to be both. I wanted to be a man and to be a woman. I wanted to be able to switch at will.

Eventually I conformed to the male standard that was being portrayed by my community. I did this out of fear. I began to associate all this queerness with homosexuality and I knew that was wrong. It was a very clear message.

After I came out I thought that I had found freedom to express who I was, but I found that my dabbling in drag was still not supported by my community at large. I was told that I had to think about not freaking out other people if I allowed my nails to grow. I was even told within the drag community that I wasn’t pretty. At that point in my life I wasn’t strong enough emotionally and egoically to stand up for myself.

My gender queerness went underground for many, many years. Eventually I would discover the Two Spirits of the Indigenous Americans and other similar folk from traditions around the world. Finally I felt like I made sense in the world. I felt like there was a purpose for me. By this time I had also started to discover a spiritual path that really made sense for me which was neopaganism. The Divine or Spirit had revealed itself to me in so many different ways that there was no single religious tradition where I felt like I fit. It is only the loose umbrella that neopaganism is where I have found spiritual community. However with all this freedom my alternative gender expression was still repressed. I actually used to be afraid of the word transgender. I thought “God, I am already so different. Do I have to be that too?”

It is really over the last year that I have come to even more clarity about my gender and its expression. Again I identify as male. There is no feeling inside of me that I am in the wrong body or that I am really a woman. In this sense I am not transsexual, but I do feel gender queer.

I would say the first opening to expressing my gender variance began when I dedicated my dissertation research to Ardhanarishwara. Ardhanarishwara is a deity that is composed of Shiva and Shakti. Ardhanarishwara is the Divine Androgyne. I felt and still feel a strong kinship to that image.

Another opening came from the work my partner and I were doing to create a queer magical circle. My partner conceived of a ritual for a large pagan gathering where we would embody what we call the queerest of the gods. Because I was already working with Ardhanarishwara, I decided that would be the deity I embodied. That work really changed me. I was inspired to begin doing drag again coming out of that work. Part of the desire to do drag was because I wanted to do right by Shakti, the Goddess. I wanted to embody her beauty and strength to the best of my ability.

I also became inspired by an increasing connection with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. In them I saw a celebration of the Divine Feminine through the male vessel. I saw how drag could be done in a way that was androgynous and fiercely beautiful.

Those three inspirations really led to the creation of Andra Jean le Queen who is an avatar of Ardhanarishwara. As she grows into greater power I, Hayden, am also growing in my power. I am finding an expression of self that is deliberate, inspired and very powerful.

Just recently I received an affirmation of the work that I am doing. My partner and I once again attended PanthaCon, the large pagan gathering I alluded to earlier. On Friday night I decided to venture forth into the convention as Andra Jean. At one point I met a lovely man and we exchanged names. He asked if I knew what the word Andra meant in Basque. I didn’t. The name Andra Jean was conceived of as a play on the word androgyne. He proceeded to tell me that it means queen and added that the primary Basque goddess, Mari, is addressed as Andra Mari. That blew me away and affirmed this path for me, and now I want to share my story, my struggles and my wisdom with you.

I know that this blog will probably come across as self-indulgent for some. It is. Expressing myself externally is my primary form of processing my experience. However I hope, I sincerely hope, that my story and my sharing now and in the future will find those that need these words to help set them free to express their own truth. I can’t believe I’m the only one out there working with gender and spirituality in this way.

Until next time I continue to wrestle with the wig.

Much love,

Hayden/Andra Jean